Dependence

Will I spend my entire life never being able to depend on anyone?

This is a question I find myself asking too much if you ask me. 29 years of life and never feeling like you have anyone that you can depend on. That's a long time to live without it. I look back on my life now and it really wasn't so bad. I'd always considered my childhood to be traumatic and it truly was until I moved in 1997. The trauma followed me it seemed. I felt then and a lot of times feel now like I can't catch a break.

Today, was one of those; I can't catch a break days. I feel like a semi truck ran me over and then backed over me again. When I get sick, I get SICK! I am down and out and can not do anything. I had to run my paper route today even though I was feeling really crummy. I felt nauseas, my head felt like it was in a vise (you know one of those tools most men have in their garage), I had the chills and even though yesterday was 80 degrees, today was 40 and raining. I was freezing and I had crazy body aches! I had our 4 year old with me who normally does very well with it but today was the day that she felt the need to whine about EVERYTHING and wanted her window down and asked why I had to have the "air" on, which in her language it means I'm hot shut the heat off! I didn't want the heat off!! The rain was coming in the window which had to be down and the cold air was hitting me right in the face. She was in the back seat shedding layers of clothing I thought she needed because I was so cold that I assumed she would be cold too. Well, then I get going and the tire pressure light comes on in my car. I checked the message board and my tire had 23 pounds of air in it. I kept going on my route and most of it is dirt roads. I came to the first dirt road and my car was fishtailing like crazy I couldn't even go 10 mph. The traction warning kept popping up because my car wasn't catching traction. I called my husband and he told me to stop and get my tire fixed. At this point I was already running late. I went to the tire store which is like 5 miles out of my way to find out there is a hole in my tire, got that fixed and started back on my way. I stopped at the gas station the line was crazy long and the cashier was hacking all over. She was covering her mouth, but with her hands. Her hands touch anything you put on the counter and the money you get back. SICK! That's just what I need is more germs. Ellie and I put hand sanitizer on as soon as we got into the car!!! That is a huge pet peeve of mine! Cough into your elbow people! I realized shortly after that, there was a really good chance I wouldn't be home to get the kids so I texted my neighbor and today was a day she had to go for doctor appointments an hour away so she couldn't do it. I called my husband and he wasn't able to do it either. So at this point I am so beyond aggravated and he got the blunt end of the deal. I went on and on about how I couldn't depend on him. The truth is that I can depend on him I was just having a fit at the time.

After my explosion of mean words to my husband, God started on my heart. Whether or not I feel like there is no one that I can trust, confide in, or depend on, He is always there. He is always dependable. I struggle with remembering this at times.

Is not my house right with God? Has he not made with me an everlasting covenant, arranged and secured in every part? Will he not bring to fruition my salvation and grant me my every desire? 2 Samuel 23:5

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. Hebrews 6:19-20

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13:5-6



’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.